Sometimes I feel like giving up.   It's been one of those weeks for me.  I have managed to do a little creative something everyday but none to very little of it involved clay or rusty bits.   Well, I did look through some library books about mosaic.

I have had several visions for some of my rusty bits.  First it involved learning to weld so I could weld these bits together and make some really strange and cool yard sculpture.   This makes me remember I once had a flirtation with rock climbing.  I bought shoes and started climbing walls and realized I love the idea of this more than actually doing it.  The nearly new shoes went to a sports consignment shop.  That was twenty years ago - ugh!    

Several years ago I gave up the idea of learning to weld.   It occurred to me that I did not need to try it to discover it was like rock climbing for me.  I love the idea but I strongly suspect I would not actually like doing it.  Then slowly over time my vision morphed toward making clay creations and using my rusty bits with those.  This is what I've run up against - my vision doesn't actually match what I tend to do creatively.    I see these rusty bits and clay put together in my mind and I just know it isn't my art.  It isn't what I create.   The vision is based on what I've seen others create.   Suddenly this week the committee came in and convinced me to give up.  My committee is what I call the gremlins/inner critics.   I sort of stopped doing any of the creative things I was doing with clay.

So I'm stuck.  And in a bit of funk because of it.  Ok, a lot of funk.   I am hoping to break through the funk just a little bit.  To say hey, committee, I won't give up.  I may give up the vision I have for these rusty bits, but that doesn't mean I have to give up creating.   Today, I am going to get back with my hands in the clay.  I may do some other creative things too, but first priority is to get my hands into the clay.

When I started this Art Every Day Month I thought I will push through and make something with all these rusty bits using clay.   I will focus my attention just on that.  I learned this week that I really don't want this at all.  What I mean is - I am much happier doing a creative dawdle than creating some big dang do.   I was trying to take my vision and make some big dang do.

Really what I want is to be enough.  To create what pulls me each day.  To work in small lumps, small steps.  To say one day I will create by writing my blog.  To say another day I will create in my journal.  To get out clay and form something out of it one day.....but another day paint glaze on the clay.     To photograph another day.  To not force myself into some kind of mold or vision that is outside of me.  Not that there is anything wrong with creating a big dang do it is just that I've come to realize that for me just the act of doing some tangible hands on creating everyday is enough. 

So I'm changing my mind mid-month about the rusty bits.    I am letting a lot of it go.   I still may use a bit or two in something I'm making but I've decided to be creative every day without a forced agenda.   Actually, now I can feel my energy rising.   I don't feel so much in a funk. 

I give myself permission to be enough.  And with that I am off to the studio.......
        

Rusty bits......

....is such a metaphor for the creative process when it gets into stuck.  If one doesn't use it then things get rusty and stagnant and stuck.  Then when one turns on the tap it's messy and yucky and sputtering with red rusty bleck.   It is really easy to quit at that point.  To say to yourself  I cannot draw.  What was I thinking - I am no sculptor.  I will never write this novel.   Look at all these art supplies that I've stockpiled and now they are stagnating.    Oh well.....my creative life is over......

But wait!.........

That is just the rust coming out of the creative tap.   It is possible to get rusty even overnight or between studio sessions or writing sessions.  Yesterday I was in the flow but what is this bleck today -I'm anxious.  I don't like it.  I want to listen to my gremlins aka the committee and just avoid it all. 

But if I was to look at this bleck as a rusty faucet sputtering.....and I just told the committee to go play in the clubhouse while I work on this.......and I began again knowing that some rust may appear and nothing has gone wrong.  Just keep pumping that creative well.

Set some conditions of enoughness*.     Soon, the creative water will flow crystal clear or at least it won't be so darn blecky!  And when it does get blecky between creative dawdling time then I know what to do..... just keep on taking steps.

Announcement......

I have an acquaintance that is participating in NaNoWriMo.   In fact, she's organizing some events for it in my local community.   I've never known anyone local who has participated in this novel writing month.   I've witnessed it online.   This year I thought - oooooh....I could do that.   In my mind I imagined going to the write-ins and making friends and doing all this writing.......I do love to write.   My husband said to me, "oh you'd have no problem writing that much."

Then I realized, durnit,  - I have no big burning desire to write fiction at this point in time.    So if the NaNoWriMo is a push to just "dooo eeet." (thanks Havi for the do it phrase)   NaNoWriMo's have said, "I've always wanted to write a novel............" 

then what in my life am I always saying  "I've always wanted to.........???????"

Answer.......there are many answers to that question,  but what came to mind for an equivalent NaNoWriMo type project was......

I've always wanted to take these strange rusty bits I collected more than a decade ago and use them with clay to make art.  Weird I know......but hey we all have mysterious things that we love...  

If not 2010, then when?

Then I thought Leah Piken Kolidas offers this Art Every Day Month each November.   I could join that?......I hesitated to join because I thought - maybe I don't really want to have the pressure to blog about this......but you know I like the idea of joining in community.  It may not be local but it is still a community.  I need to track this and why not on the blog with friends and creative companions.  

So, in just a few days I will start taking those rusty bits and doing a creative dawdle with them.  My goal is not to create one finished piece each day but to work each day on them.......To work everyday at sketches, and clay lumps, and to do something everyday in November to move these rusty bits along.   To pump my creative well.

Now I likely won't post about this every day.....but I will try to keep frequent updates coming so that I can declare myself satisfied via conditions of enoughness*.    And it helps to be part of the community if I actually share what I'm doing.  If you are here visiting from AEDM  - welcome!  Feel free to dawdle and dabble around here.......or feed the bunnies.

*want to know what conditions of enoughness are?-see Jen Louden's work  

I am grateful for: 5

FOX

IN A

BOX

Pattern Overwhelm

I often say I'm overwhelmed.  I wrote about overwhelm before.  Then I kind of forgot about it until a friend was saying I'm overwhelmed.......I once had an insight about that so I went to find my writing about it.....this has lead me into writing this new post about overwhelm.

In the last 2 months I've been doing this brain dance.  And by gosh it has helped me begin to see a pattern.   More dancing is required to fully unmake it and remake a new habit.  As a consequence of doing this wacky flailing of arms dance I see a little more clearly my overwhelm pattern.  It is so weird that this dance works. (more about that in future posts)

I say I'm overwhelmed, and it's usually on a day when I feel I need to answer emails, plan dinner, drive 50 miles to do the main grocery shopping, pay bills, and there are a million little care of the home tasks like scooping out the litter box and watering the basil.........

What I'm discovering is that it isn't all that, pardon my wording, *crap* that has me overwhelmed.   It is that on some level I've reached a point where I've been avoiding my one big thing.   Back when I wrote about overwhelm before - I did not put in any links in my post.  Nor did I put in the links to the blogs that originally gave me a clue to this insight.  So here is the link love to those bloggers....... Third Hands Works mentioned it and she was referring to Mona Grayson's post about it.  

But more about my Big Thing......
 I'm a creative dawdler.   Living a creative existence is what I feel is my Big Thing.  Creative dawdling isn't just the name of  my blog - it's what I call all my juicy soul nourishing creative activities......In my years of being a creative dawdler I have developed some habits that maybe are not so useful such as procrastination, drifting, exploring all things creative instead of focusing on just one or two.   These habits lead me to a pattern of overwhelm.

Sometimes when I am avoiding/drifiting from my creative life or when there is a lot of external responsibilities happening that I feel the time monsters shouting   -No Time!  No Time for creative! -  I start to go into a frenzy of chores and to dos and say I'm overwhelmed.   But really it's a clue that my overwhelm pattern loop is happening.  The way out is to go back to my creative dawdling.  Even a small step is enough to lessen overwhelm. 

Sometimes my creative dawdling has me overwhelmed because I love to do soooooooo many things........just a quick list includes, clay, SoulCollage®, journaling, photography, crochet, astrology, rituals, space arrangement, writing for personal pleasure, writing my blog, assemblage art, beading, reading about any of these topics........there's more....but my point is that when I say I'm overwhelmed in regards to my creative dawdling then it is usually because I'm thinking about all of these and more in a monkey mind jumping around in the studio tree's way.  I haven't actually taken a concrete tangible action on a one of them. 

The way to disrupt the pattern loop is to just pick something within my Big Thing Domain of Creative Dawdling and act on it.  Or finish something that is part way done.    In this instance, when I'm overwhelmed in my creative dawdling I have to make myself sit down and take an action.  Ignore the mind, tell the critic to go take a break(more about that in a future post) and do one creative thing.  I do not even have to worry about what that thing is as long as it is a tangible action and not more thinking about it.   I also don't have to worry about the quality of the creative act.....only doing - doing badly, ugly,or beautifully but DOING.

This is where Jen Louden's Conditions of Enoughness comes in handy.     This process helps you pick a simple action, do it in a measurable way, making sure it is dependent only on you to do, and when you are done you declare yourself satisfied - even if you do not feel satisfied.    

Here is a part of my overwhelm pattern I've noticed.....
When I'm in overwhelm I'm very bad a choosing a simple action.  As soon as I try to set a simple condition of enoughness (COE for short) I get more overwhelmed.   That is because choosing a COE while in that mind boogling moment of overwhelm doesn't work for me.  It is too much thinking and not yet an action.   So for me, I have to do a preview action before setting a COE.  I have to do something creative and not worry about what it is so I might draw -or scribble -or doodle -or list words.  I might crochet.  I like to use my hands.   That action calms me down.   Dance of Shiva (brain dance) also gets me out of thinking and breaks the pattern loop.   

Once I've calmed down then I can come up with some COE's that help me further along on my creative dawdling path.  They help me lessen overwhelm.    The COE's help me move forward with quantity.  The brain dance helps me notice the pattern. 

It isn't that overwhelm is never going to happen.....but it's nice to have a little clue as to what will shift the pattern and what will help move me out of drifting and procrastination.......

Are you overwhelmed?  Ever thought it's not the to do list pressing on you but your one big thing saying attend to me?  Whatever, your thing is, I wish you creative blessings.....
 
The bunnies around here love comments......please feed them.

I am grateful for: 4

noticing the turning of the seasons......

Happy Equinox!

late summer blooms

seeds for the birds

I am grateful for: 3

A hubby who picked wildflowers for his late summer lady.  Oh, Beauty!

I am grateful for: 2

A sister who made, with her loving hands, an apple pecan cheesecake for me.

 YUM!

I am grateful for: 1

A good friend who helps me remember what it is all about.
 

perspective minding

I wrote this post a few days ago, but didn't post it immediately because I wanted to add some sort of photo. Then I discovered these bugs on the glass outside on a window of our house. I used my camera and got a really micro close shot of them. Talk about a perspective change because what you see there in bugs is probably only about an inch square. These bugs were just hatching out of the little stick thingy. Amazing. My hubby did a search and identified them as seed bugs. They eat conifer seeds.

The post I wrote is below the photo....click on the photo for a larger view.



I'm preparing for a week of retreat in Taos with Jennifer Louden. I attended this retreat in 2007 when it was Jen Louden and Suzanne Falter Barnes leading together. Jen is now working with Havi Brooks. I loved the retreat with Jen and Suzanne but I'm also very excited to meet Havi and her duck Selma. I'm intrigued by the wacky Shiva Nata yogic brain stuff Havi teaches.

I could make a list of the things I'm looking forward for this retreat.... like spending time with Karen, seeing all the other lovely, creative, women who are returning from 2007. I'm looking forward to new women I'll meet (though I'm also a little nervous about that too). The Mabel Dodge Luhan house is a wild and serene artist's haven(yes, it is a paradox) and I look forward to visiting it again. And Taos. I cannot wait for the good food. The laughter and the tears. Comfort given and received from the Comfort Queen Jen Louden. I bet I could make a list much much longer than this.

What I most look forward to is a shift in perspective. We all need that from time to time. On my better days I try to work it into my daily life. Such as when I've been involved at my computer I'll make a shift by going outside. Or doing some kind of exercise. I'm not always successful or mindful about it. Retreat though is something different. It creates a container for a kind of mindfulness which opens up the possibility for all kinds of shifts in one's perspective. I look forward to that the most because I guess it has been a few years since I really retreated in length and width. I'm feeling like it is time.

Speaking of time, today Saturn moves out of Virgo and goes into Libra. This will be a shift in perspective too. I'm not much of an astrologer. But I like it as a creative process and it is something I dabble in and explore. When Saturn moved into Virgo I found myself volunteering a lot. I did a couple of years of service in my homeowner's association. I also became more and more involved with our local library. It's a library run entirely by volunteers. I found I really like the work of libraries. I did not care for the homeowner's association work so much. The other thing that happened in this 2-3 year period while Saturn moved through Virgo was I mostly stopped blogging. My previous blogs sort of lost mojo and I lost mojo to write them. This one - creative dawdling - has been sort of waiting and waiting for me. Sometimes it says to me- "Too much dawdling Kara, come back!"

I have a feeling that with Saturn's move into Libra I will be more inclined to reestablish my relationship (Libra) with writing a blog. I've been noticing the urge to express myself again. Going on a writer's retreat will give me that opportunity to look at it from other angles and feel it out in new ways. My guess is that Saturn may give me a need to create a structure and establish a more regular way of expressing with this blog. Of course, with a shift in perspective there is also the possibility that I will go in an unexpected direction. Yet, I look forward to that too.

I've been on cruise control a little bit these past few years. I like making small steps and I feel I have made progress. Yet, going off cruise control for a little bit and taking a new unknown path - one where I can't just go on auto pilot will be very good.

There will also be creative dawdling involved granted it will be more mindful creative dawdling......more when I return....blessings

Taking that oar and making a swish

I haven't paid any attention to my blog for weeks now. When I sign in today, I discover blogger has new templates. It may be time for me to either commit to writing this blog or not. Yet that is an *overwhelming thought. It seems easier to drift, to live in limbo, than to make a decision. And I know it is not easier ultimately. Not making a decision is also a choice. It is a decision. My future self does not want to be dealing with this decision drift in the future.

I have been feeling the need lately to broadcast. It comes up as words in my head. Sometimes it is like writing a letter to my friend Karen. Sometimes I think I ought to go post on the Comfort Cafe forum. Sometimes I just rant in my journal. I get an urge to go to Facebook. I read other forums that I never have posted on but suddenly I want to register and write a reply. Or I talk my sister's or husband's ears off about stuff they don't really need to hear about in such detail.

The above techniques I can see right now as I reflect on this is more drift............

Okay, so I am not ready to commit to ALL that is involved with writing this blog. It feels like a huge big dang do. I do know I am ready to just try making a broadcast. To explore one step at a time what that is like. I have a choice to keep drifting or to just put an oar in the water one swish at time and guide my lifeboat.

*I use the word overwhelm all the time. It has recently come to my attention that overwhelm may not be that we have so many things going on as it is we are procrastinating or avoiding that one thing. Yup, I agree. I use the word overwhelm in relation to all the things that need doing but the feeling of overwhelm is coming up because I am not tending to my need to express myself through writing and creativity. I am not broadcasting or giving my gift and consequently I start to feel I'm losing it. Buried under everything I have to do, should do, wish and desire to do..........overwhelm!!!!!!!

Ah, but it really doesn't take much to come out from overwhelm. Sure, there is work involved. I just have to turn back to making that thing, that it, that need a priority. Even a few minutes begins to get the wheels going and that buried feeling becomes - I can do this...yeah, I'm doing it! Remember to repeat.......step.........step........step...........no more steps and then your standing still.....oh here comes the pile of overwhelm............step......step.........step......you get the picture.

There are a bunch of links I could put into this post but I'm not going to bother. Because, eventually I'll get back to playing and sharing and taking the time to link.......but today it is about just taking a step or to use my paddle to make a swish ...... Instead, I'm going to declare myself satisfied and publish. If you would like links to where I learned about overwhelm or a link to the Comfort Cafe or to Jennifer Louden's satisfaction finder well leave me a comment.......

Oh and one last thing, I also arrived today to find that I have a new unknown to me follower. How cool is that?! She probably came from Karen's blog which is about the only place I comment and leave a trail to this blog. See, in addition to drifting with this blog I also put no decisions toward leaving links anywhere so anyone might find it........ that is a topic of exploration for another post......right now it is just one step at a time.

Another step will be to figure out how to find my new follower????? Oh, I know it is probably rather simple.....but I've been standing still so long.......one step at a time.........