Ah, the sweet relief of summer rains.....

Thankfully, we have been getting some summer monsoon rains.  I'm slow to update this fact.  So slow in fact that we just went through a week of hot and dry with no rain showers.   When we do get the storms they tend to pass by quickly.  Round these parts we call them gully washers.  Here is a photo of the canales on my home with the rain water pouring out of them.   Notice the blue sky and the sun is already out shining again.  This storm probably dropped about a 10th of an inch of rain in 10 minutes. 

Kara McGee ©2011 rain in canales

Rain later in the day means rainbows.  We have seen some wonderful bright rainbows this year.  One evening there was a rainbow that formed just at or after sunset.  The rainclouds were a dark steel blue.  The sunset gave everything this purple glow.   The rainbow appearing in the clouds looked like it was shrouded in a veil of purple midnight sheer silk.  I called it a night rainbow.  I didn't even try to get a picture because I knew there was no way I'd be able to record it.  I hope to never forget it because it was the most mysterious rainbow I've ever seen.  

The photo below isn't the brightest rainbow I've caught on digital this year.  Yet, I couldn't resist sharing the view of our hummingbird feeder with the rainbow in the background.  I cropped this photo and the hummingbird isn't sharply in focus but nevertheless I hope it offers you some summer delight.

hummingbird with rainbow summer 2011 ©KaraMcGee

Rain needed in the heart of the desert.

I was looking through some photos from last September 2010.  I snapped all these photos after a late summer rain shower.  The misty clouds are still hovering.

I notice how much wild growth we had in our yard. That same kind of growth, grasses and brush, would have happened all over the state.  Now that growth is dry and acts like a fire tinder.  The smallest spark can set it off.  I heard that 603,000 acres have burned in New Mexico wildfires just since the beginning of 2011.

This land needs some rain.  Yesterday my coworkers and I were discussing the things everyone is doing to call the rain.   One gal mentioned washing her car.  I chimed in with how I washed my windows.  Someone else said the catholics took the saints out and paraded them around the village.   And there is a pow-wow planned soon over at the one of the nearby pueblos.

It is nice to look at these photos of cactus dripping with moisture.  Such a nicer thing to put into my mind then what I've been worrying about lately.  I'm also a heart shaped collector of images, rocks, and etc....what can I say but this photo just does it for me.

I thought it won't hurt to put up some images of rain reflections.  To remind myself rain does and will come here again.  

hello rainwater!

My happy laughing frog will once again hold rain drops.  Until then, I'm keeping the faith.

Tonglen for the desert

When the smoke from the AZ wildfires came, this is what it looked like outside my door.  It smelled like the forest was on fire, and it was hard to even step outside to snap this photo.  That ridge is less than a mile away even though the perspective of this photo makes it look much farther away. 

Montezuma's Ridge June 6

We've had several days of clear skies again.  The wind pattern has taken the smoke to other areas.  I feel very sad and worried about the fires in Arizona.   It isn't just Arizona though.  I worry for all of the southwest.   My own state of New Mexico has had numerous fires this season.  I try not to be too anxious about where I live..........but I am anxious.  I feel dry and brittle.    I can feel the stress from all the plants.  I make sure to get water outside each morning into a low birdbath.  I saw a rabbit drinking from it yesterday evening.    That was joy for my heart to witness.   

I did not see the wildflowers much this year.  A few struggled to bloom.  The cactus is fairing better, but their blooms do not last long.  This little gem appeared one day.  I happened to catch it when I was outside giving other drought tolerant plants some supplemental water.  

Cactus bloom under pinon tree June 2011

My meditation has begun to include some tonglen. I breathe in dry brittle and breathe out moist soft.

I breathe in gratitude for exactly the way it is and I breathe out gratitude for exactly the way it will eventually change.  Each moment always changing.   What remains beyond that?

It is counter intuitive.  I don't like breathing in the dry brittle and I want to resist and bolt from my cushion.  Yet, I stay.  I return again to the practice of breathing in the dry brittle smokey fear and breathing out the moist soft clear gentleness.   This practice opens me to catch a glimpse of greater wisdom.  It calms my anxiety. 

It opens my ability to receive what is here now and beyond what it always changing.  It is like the sweetness of catching a glimpse of cactus in bloom or the happy relief of a rabbit quenching it's thirst.  It is like sending down my taproot to drink from THAT which is ever present and beyond. 

That glimpse doesn't last.   Nothing lasts.   Living is inherantly uncertain and groundless, and my anxiety comes again.  My mind rattles on to other worries.     So, I  return again to my meditation cushion each day- practicing tonglen for the desert.

Creative blessings to all who stop by.....

Stand in solidarity for play

What is creative dawdling?  It's PLAY. 

It has the ability to shape shift into a multitude of activities that don't have a darn thing to do with any "artistic" or classically creative activites such as drawing or theatre. 

It is a worthy thing to do regardless of outcome. Creative dawdling is the permission to do something you want to do because it makes you feel at home with yourSELF.   Like fingerprints each person has a unique to them combo of creative dawdles.  No one can say there is one and only one way to dawdle.

Creative dawdling is spiritual.    You know it by how your spirit comes alive.  Sometimes it is mundane and  sometimes it is inspired, but your inner spirit resonates with it.   

You have permission to play.  Permission to do something you enjoy for no reason other than you enjoy it.  I say this more for myself, than for anyone reading this, but feel free to take it into your own heart.
You have permission to dawdle. 
Remember that it is up to your own heart to give you permission.  It doesn't come from anywhere else no matter how much you've been fooled into believing otherwise. 

You have permission to _______________________________________    Fill in the blank and try it on. See what comes up to the edge of your awareness.  Now give yourself more permission to relax into those edges.  

Each day is a new day to give yourself fresh permission.  It doesn't just happen once and then you are done.   Giving yourself permission is like brushing your teeth.   Wash, rinse, repeat.

Like brushing your teeth, permission to play doesn't have to be done only when you find the time to retreat for a week.  It can be done in little moments. 

This blog for me is NOT about how I make my living.  I'm not selling anything here.  I'm not earning extra pennies from affiliate links.  I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that either.  At this moment, this blog is place for me to express myself without the pressure of making it into a business.  A way to share my dawdles, the things that light up my spirit.  To share my creative heart.  To scratch my writing itch.  

Also this blog isn't about gaining some kind fame or attention.  I do crave attention sometimes (what blog writer doesn't? comments - yes please I'll have some of those).   It's more accurate to say this blog is about connecting, and about leaving a record of what resonates with meaning in my life. 

I sometimes think about opening an etsy shop and going toward a blog that connects my creativity to earning money.   I fantasize about teaching.    I look at what other people are doing and think I should do that.  Should is a big red flag.  I forget sometimes and begin to think commerce is the only reason to blog.  That gets me into trouble every single time I go there in my thinking.  Then the motivation to write lapses.

This blog for me is a hobby.  And why is it when I say hobby it somehow demeans it's purpose?  Because we live in this culture that says if it does not earn money, then it has no meaning, no worthiness.    This makes me sad.  It is not true.  Unfortunately, it is a message that must be constantly managed and filtered into the do not believe file.

I feel the need to return to writing on my blog.  It means something for the quality of my life to share my play, my creative dawdles, my spiritual meanders.

I must stand in solidarity with my blog and it's purpose as a hobby.   To stand with it and say it is OK to PLAY.  It is alright to write on a blog for no other reason than it feels enjoyable.   To stand and say creative dawdling is important.    It is as valuable to do as brushing your teeth regularly and often.   

To stand and say - I am a creative dawdler. I do not need to explain or wait for someone else to give me permission   A minute, two, or five daily might be enough to get going.  

Remember permission comes from inside yourSELF.   

Creative blessings to all who come here from commentators to beloved lurkers.

Taking that oar and making a swish

I haven't paid any attention to my blog for weeks now. When I sign in today, I discover blogger has new templates. It may be time for me to either commit to writing this blog or not. Yet that is an *overwhelming thought. It seems easier to drift, to live in limbo, than to make a decision. And I know it is not easier ultimately. Not making a decision is also a choice. It is a decision. My future self does not want to be dealing with this decision drift in the future.

I have been feeling the need lately to broadcast. It comes up as words in my head. Sometimes it is like writing a letter to my friend Karen. Sometimes I think I ought to go post on the Comfort Cafe forum. Sometimes I just rant in my journal. I get an urge to go to Facebook. I read other forums that I never have posted on but suddenly I want to register and write a reply. Or I talk my sister's or husband's ears off about stuff they don't really need to hear about in such detail.

The above techniques I can see right now as I reflect on this is more drift............

Okay, so I am not ready to commit to ALL that is involved with writing this blog. It feels like a huge big dang do. I do know I am ready to just try making a broadcast. To explore one step at a time what that is like. I have a choice to keep drifting or to just put an oar in the water one swish at time and guide my lifeboat.

*I use the word overwhelm all the time. It has recently come to my attention that overwhelm may not be that we have so many things going on as it is we are procrastinating or avoiding that one thing. Yup, I agree. I use the word overwhelm in relation to all the things that need doing but the feeling of overwhelm is coming up because I am not tending to my need to express myself through writing and creativity. I am not broadcasting or giving my gift and consequently I start to feel I'm losing it. Buried under everything I have to do, should do, wish and desire to do..........overwhelm!!!!!!!

Ah, but it really doesn't take much to come out from overwhelm. Sure, there is work involved. I just have to turn back to making that thing, that it, that need a priority. Even a few minutes begins to get the wheels going and that buried feeling becomes - I can do this...yeah, I'm doing it! Remember to repeat.......step.........step........step...........no more steps and then your standing still.....oh here comes the pile of overwhelm............step......step.........step......you get the picture.

There are a bunch of links I could put into this post but I'm not going to bother. Because, eventually I'll get back to playing and sharing and taking the time to link.......but today it is about just taking a step or to use my paddle to make a swish ...... Instead, I'm going to declare myself satisfied and publish. If you would like links to where I learned about overwhelm or a link to the Comfort Cafe or to Jennifer Louden's satisfaction finder well leave me a comment.......

Oh and one last thing, I also arrived today to find that I have a new unknown to me follower. How cool is that?! She probably came from Karen's blog which is about the only place I comment and leave a trail to this blog. See, in addition to drifting with this blog I also put no decisions toward leaving links anywhere so anyone might find it........ that is a topic of exploration for another post......right now it is just one step at a time.

Another step will be to figure out how to find my new follower????? Oh, I know it is probably rather simple.....but I've been standing still so long.......one step at a time.........

Moving a library is a pain in the side....

I am home today. Feeling very calm because I have a pain in my front left side. It came on suddenly last night while I was sitting on the couch. I think it is a spasm or a muscle strain of my oblique on that side. I did some new core abdominal exercises on Sunday. They were challenging, but I was fine until last night. Spending 4 hours yesterday moving books might have something to do with it.

Why is it that our bodies get these sudden pains at the oddest times? It wasn't during my work at the library...no, I was sitting on the couch and suddenly I got a stitch in my side. I had to stand up and try to shimmy the cramp away. It felt just like the side pains I'd get in elementary school when the PE coach would make us run laps around the school yard. Anyway, it hasn't gone away which has lead me to believe I just strained it. Hurts to breathe deep but I keep trying because that's what I do when I'm in pain....breathe deep. I took some ibuprofen and that has given some relief. Enough that I am able to enjoy being calm.

Moving a library is no small task. The library I volunteer with is moving into a nice new building in about a week and a half. In preparation for moving the collection, I was helping to get some books interfiled together. When the library reopens in it's new digs, the fiction books will all be together. Up to this point they have been shelved together but separated into different genres. Mystery, science fiction, fiction, romance, etc..... Getting all these books alphabetized and together is no small task. We have all these space constraints for packing. In order to alphabetize multiple sections together we need shelf space we do not have in the old building....so that meant moving the same books more than once. It also meant a need to hold three sets of alphabets in my head at the same time. A lot of this interfiling work will just have to take place in the new building end after the collection is moved.

This library is staffed, run, created by all volunteers. No one is paid. The cat who patrolled for mice was paid with cat food. The cat has gone into retirement - lucky cat. She won't be needed at the new building and the only thing cats are good at in moving is being under foot. All of us volunteers, with thankfully, some help from the larger community, will be moving this library. It's work......frazzling work.

At the same time as it is tiring, I am very excited to be a part of it all. I volunteered with this library because I love libraries. Even though my brain hurt yesterday from alphabetizing three sections together I love the puzzle of it. What I have discovered in working with this library, is that I really enjoy certain library jobs. I like the puzzle. I love getting information into a format or system that allows people to find it. I love helping patrons. For a creative dawdler it is a great environment to stimulate the brain.

Now, I just pray my body will hold up. I dread the work of moving....but my brain itches to get the puzzle back together.

Lost my creative dawdler

On the 18th of January I partially wrote a post, which I never finished and posted. Partly that was due to being interrupted and also my own willingness to be interrupted. January just got completely away from me and my intentions. I sit here today kind of lost. Where was I?

A creative dawdler has to learn to start. To practice starting and even restarting. You see - there will always be interruptions or obstacles or committees.

Do you mind if I tell you a little about what happened to me? See January started off with great enthusiasm. I had a word and focus and a strong desire to get back to my blog and do some other creative things.

First I found out that my shoulder/arm pain was not a torn rotator cuff. Thankful for that. Then I found out a volunteer committee I'm on had come back to life. Then I realized - oh if I'm going to get rid of and hand off my secretary treasurer job for my homeowner's association to the next person I must do a lot work between now and February 1. That first week of January the dominoes started lining up.

Well, then I started physical therapy to help with my shoulder/arm pain. Of course I do NOT live anywhere close to the place so factor in a bunch of extra commuting time. Then it dawns on me that I have to make my schedule possible for accommodating the sudden classes for this volunteer committee that's been resurrected. Okay, no problem I make sure I can do physical therapy and attend these classes and move the cat vet appointment a week ahead.

Notice my creative dawdling time is rapidly disappearing. Then the dominoes all started to fall last week. I started the week with an appointment that had been made in November 09 (wasn't going to try to change that one since this appointment was the first available). I did hours of sec/treas work. Went to physical therapy (which at this point as they added exercises with my improvement it meant I was there longer and longer). The cat's appointment that had been moved ended up in this week. I was going from one task to another and all the details for the homeowner's sec/treas job and the details of this resurrected committee were making me feel as if my life had been swallowed. It had. My stress increased as I had less recovery time. My creative life, which is what I consider is my life, was no where to be found.

So this week I am saying, "Now where was I?" What was my intention at the beginning of the year? Oh yeah, "I choose......" was my theme. I was choosing to become a more productive creative dawdler and to attend to my creative projects. I was going to explore tracking my creative dawdling. Well, one month down and I can say I did very little creative dawdling in January.

This is an opportunity to explore. It seems not okay to say "no I cannot be on that committee anymore because that would take away from my creative dawdling time" I wanted and needed to get my shoulder better. I'd waited two and a half months for that physical therapy. I made the mistake of not recognizing the amount of time I needed to close out my work and train my sec/treasurer replacement. What I had a real choice about last month was this committee. And I just went along. I just said well I agreed to be on the committee last year - then it got shelved. Yet, here it is. Now is the time for it, and I'll make time.

And I admit I didn't choose. I was too embarrassed to say, no I cannot do this now. I really want to help this organization. I thought this is a temporary tightness in my schedule. And it is and was. Except, I feel really sad this week. I just completely abandoned my creative life. Gone. I'll never get that time back.

This week I'm still a volunteer with this organization and I wear a few hats there. I'm still on this committee. I believe it won't interfere too much in the future with my creative dawdling time, but there is a part of me that worries it will because of what happened last month. My physical therapy is going to start winding down. Thankfully, I'm much much better. I did all the work for the sec/treas job and gave it over. There are a few details, but I'm done with the job. So now I have the chance to get back to something creative.

I think this blog of mine is about practicing this muscle that says "No, I cannot do this because I must tend to my creative dawdler." How do you say no to things you care about but are less important than your creative life? Why do we in this culture minimize creativity? It seems only important if you are a bestselling author or painter or musician? I do not really believe that. I believe creativity is just as important to human beings as breathing, loving, eating, etc.... But it still feels wrong sometimes to put my need for creative puttering time ahead of the requests of people I care about.

I am proud of myself for one thing. In the month of January I stayed consistent with my exercise and I cooked meals for my husband and I. I just feel so sorry I neglected my creative life. How do you handle this when your creative life gets swallowed? Do you have any tricks for getting back to it? For starting again?

Indulge the heart

Hi there blog........I guess I've been doing too much dawdling and not enough blogging. That is one of the challenges of being a creative dawdler, it is easy to slip into doing a lot of nothing and having nothing to show for it.

Lately, I've been getting the urge to come back. And also the urge to keep track of my creative dawdling. Blogging about it seems like the next action step.

I do believe one can be a creative dawdler and be productive. Though, at first glance, the two seem at odds or opposites of each other. I've spent oh.....15 years if not more, minimizing, hiding, putting down myself as a creative dawdler. When you do that to yourself you become less productive and really not very much fun to be around. See, if they are connected that way..... why wouldn't a little celebrating, expressing, and praising creative dawdling have the opposite effect and make one more productive? In 2010 I'm going to explore this question.

So here's a toast to 2009. Raise up your glass of whatever you are indulging in. Still here. Still creative. Still alive with a beating heart and indulging in another year. Grateful for it.

As I turn the page to 2010. I am going to explore and experiment with tracking my creative dawdling. Come along with me.....I invite you to add your voice to mix.

word play

I really need to get some photos in here...........but that's another day...........today is about word play.


When you feel SCARED

take the letters in that word and

rearrange them

until they spell

SACRED

Focus on that. Because what one focuses on expands.

For me dawdling,

dithering,

breathing,

and being are sacred.

Permission.......

I really think there is a huge shift happening right now. I could give all these reasons using politics, the culture, or astrology. Some of this change I am digusted with and I can shake my hands around and rant in a flurry "it's the WRONG direction!" Some of the change I think might be just what we need so we can go into a new and vibrant and more common sense direction. (once we get through the pain of it all...........and just when will that be, I wonder?)

Here is what I really want to express tonight-
Creative dawdling is important.

We all need time to just rest. This is the way I rest. I dither around in crafts or in my studio. I write. I meander through books. I just sit still and allow my mind to run however it's gonna run.......ah yes, there goes a thought and another thought.....breathe in and out. I'm not trying to get anywhere but recognize and feel

I.....am..... here.

It is too easy to negate or minimize the importance of just drifting awhile. To say it's not solving the worlds problems. To fall into the trap of thinking if there isn't work involved and struggle and suffering then it must not be important. If I'm not getting paid or praised for it then it must not be of any value.

I created this blog with this title because I think it's important to just stop, or slow waaaaay down.

For you, your creative dawdle might be lying in a hammock and watching the clouds float. Or maybe it is bowling with the nintendo wii.

Or taking a bath. Or pulling weeds in the garden.

It isn't for anyone else to judge or decide. You know what lets you soften into your softest self. You know what allows fresh ideas and vibrancy to flow into your being.

You know what gets you to let down your guard and find your body- your place in being. You know the things that allow you to quiet the other voices and what allows you to hear yourself.

So you have permission. You always had and will have permission. But you must decide to use this permission.

I'm just like everyone else in this world - I want to be valued and loved and sometimes I think "no, no, I cannot allow myself to putter about"-I must prove my worth (and usually I look to someone else to determine what I must do for proof).

I recognize we cannot be in a creative dawdle 24/7. I'm actually in favor of logical and practical work too. I'm all in favor of service and the golden rule. I'm not trying to promote irresponsible selfishness. I am trying to promote responsible connection to one's being.

It's been my experience, when I decide to allow myself some creative puttering time, I come fully into myself. When it's time to be there for others, and care for the world at large, I am much more able to do it and willingly do it without the neediness, pettiness, and tit for tat that I'm prone toward when I neglect myself.

So, here I am telling myself.....and you if you are reading this far.......I am simply saying creative dawdling is important.