Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Oops....there she goes.........


That was me coming down from my retreat high. I'd been expecting it. I know it is a part of any return from _(fill in the blank)_______________. In this instance, it was the retreat with Jen Louden. I've had similar experiences with vacations, art shows, and visits from my siblings when I was a little kid. It is the let down afterward.

On some level it is grieving for the time gone by and the experience that is over. For me in this particular instance it is also feeling the loss of the physicality of these soul sisters. I have lots of wonderful life all around me, but what I find missing right now at least in my current life is that physical in the flesh kind of creative connection of women. I do not get a lot of the voice tone and body language that comes from being in parallel play together in the same space.

I can get connection over the internet. Right now I live in a place that I have found difficult to find others to be with in parallel creative play. There really are reasons for why this is and I'm not looking for suggestions on community building. It will change. For now the simple observation I am making is I feel the let down of this particular kind of in the flesh connection.

I'm sure there is some brain research out there that explains how the brain and the hormones produce this kind of high and that after it is over those chemicals abandon their posts it causes this kind of let down grieving process. It's normal. It happens.

Jen is such a master at retreat that she actually prepares you for this to happen. I appreciate that. It still isn't fun to go through. Sometimes, I want to avoid living a creative explorer and dawdler kind of life in any larger way because I want to avoid the pain of this experience.

In my thunkyness, I want to whine "it would be easier if I was just a hermit and avoided everyone and any circle of community." I know this is a passing transition. I have learned to not take it to mean all is lost forever and ever and I'm destined to be a lonely hermit.

What helps?
Well, that is the question I am exploring........hmmmm........

I know the only way through is through. DUH!

I don't think I've ever studied my process enough to know exactly what will help me through this rough patch. I feel sharing my feelings instead of trying to escape from them will help. Hence I'm posting here on my blog about this and I feel a little vulnerable.

Not isolating. Again that is probably a good reason to post this on my blog. Oh, so hard to put myself out there and opt to matter.

As, I write, I am looking around. My cat Fox is looking so cute and snuggly wuggly curled up on the bed nearby my writing spot. He just opened an eye. If I gaze out the window I see blue sky. Two lounge chairs are sitting in labyrinth left from last night's star gazing. I'm anticipating more star gazing tonight as the Perseid Meteor Shower begins to peak.

So I guess a beginning answer to the question of what does help? I think it is just taking in the here and now. What is delightful or pleasurable right now?

When I went *thunk* yesterday I didn't have the good sense to really get in touch with my body.......I stayed up in my head and worried a lot. Tried to write disconnected to my body - ouch!

So today, I think I will do more that involves using my body. That may mean I do not get online so much or try to connect via the internet. I may just start connecting with the physical environment around me. Go for a walk. Do some yoga like dogs and children.

Oh, and here is a thought! I could do some creative go into my studio and assemble something or get out the clay. Clay is very physical. So in the creative lab of me today - I declare it to be about physical play......and I'll let you know if it helps my thunkyness. Please share if there is something you find that helps you when you go thunk!

1 comment:

  1. Ah yes, exactly what I am going through...

    I've been thinking about this too--when I experience something like the retreat, it makes it perfectly clear EXACTLY what I am missing in my everyday life. So am I better off, knowing EXACTLY what I am missing in my everyday life? Some days yes, some days no. Earlier today, I was thinking an emphatic "no!" But, I'm understanding that, no it's not in my life, but I now I know what to look for. Also, it weeds out the impossibles quickly, too (all I have to do is talk about the retreat--the other woman's reaction will tell me all I need to know).

    But you asked, what helps me? Writing in my journal about it helps...just sitting and feeling the feeling helps...finding something to laugh about helps (thank you "The Guild")...finding someone to cuddle helps...reminding myself that this feeling is going to pass helps...talking to friends who "get" this helps...dancing "Nia" helps...

    We know that community exists--now we just have to KNOW that community exists for us, right here, right where we are. We will find. Or it will find us.